The Fall Apart by L.M. Wolfe

Author:L.M. Wolfe [Wolfe, L.M.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2023-09-22T16:00:00+00:00

29. The Space Between

It’s not the easiest thing in the world to sit down with someone and open up. Especially when you have deep-rooted pain you’ve been running from for years.

But I’m doing it, putting in the work. Met with Janelle, the therapist I mentioned, at her off-campus office twice a week for the last four weeks.

Yup, four weeks since the New Year’s Day bang sesh turned sideways. Four weeks that Jake has barely even looked at me.

I don’t get it. Instead of freaking out, or lashing out, I’m trying to exercise the tools I’ve learned. Trying to respect space, or boundaries, or whatever the fuck. The resolution is going strong. They say once you do something for over three weeks, it becomes a habit. So I guess I’m good.

Look at me go.

Good decisions, no destructive behavior, kids are doing great, and no alcohol. Okay, that’s not true, but no more benders.

I’ve been hitting the gym when I’m off work, saying no to stuff I don’t wanna do; I’ve stopped trying to make life look perfect. Shit is messy, and it’s only lying to yourself.

Who cares what other people see?

The truth is, this space from Jake is actually doing me some good. I’m focusing on myself and what makes me happy, while, of course, taking care of my crew.

Janelle is understanding and effortless to talk to, which is a good thing, because that’s what she gets paid to do. Seriously though, it’s been so freeing to unload, to finally get the truth, the entire truth, out there into the universe.

The only way I’m ever gonna let it go, move forward, is to get it out. I’m utilizing the methods she’s offered and learning to cope, while accepting situations for what they are.

The rest is up to me. I won’t bore you with further details, plus that shit is confidential.

Anyhow, we could trace the increase in my anxiety and depression to over two years ago. I don’t know why I didn’t see it or think of it, but it was around the time Brynn turned fourteen. So, for obvious reasons, that age is horrifying to me. Also, Jordan’s fourteenth is coming up.

Trust issues—didn’t need to pay someone to be told that. She knows about Jake, but we don’t talk too much about him, mostly just about me. If I brought him up, she’d let me freestyle, but she said he’d taken to fixing me too much. Again, I already knew that.

The goal now is to work on getting the chip off my shoulder. Honestly, it’s too heavy to carry. I’m done with it.

Not trying to force anything is a tremendous struggle for me, or not having the upper hand, or whatever you want to call it. Because that’s the way it’s always been. I’ve always felt like I needed to have it, needed some control. I could do whatever and Jake would be the one to pick up the pieces, the one to make sure I was okay, the one who enabled me to be destructive.

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